DNIF update and other stuff

OK, so the physical therapy isn't going so well. They have me in traction 20 minutes a day 3 days a week and each day I feel worse than when I walked in. One of my favorite movies is 12 O'clock High and one of the story lines in the movie is of Gately being a slug but having back problems. As I'm laying there in the machine I'm thinking of General Savage (Gregory Peck) sitting at Gately's bedside trying to comfort him but realizing that maybe he was a little premature on his assessment of him. Well I'm no slug but when I'm laying there I sure feel like one, especially since I feel worse afterwards than when I started. My next appointment is Tuesday so hopefully the weekend off will help the back feel better. I'm not feeling like a slug because of the back pain but I am feeling bad for not being able to fly. Since I've returned from Qatar I've been DNIF and have not flown at all. Granted I have been very busy getting the office in order but I get paid to go out and fly airplanes, and I haven't been able to do that. So no matter how many times I restructure the office, write evaluations, or create a new medal package, I still feel I'm not doing my part since I'm not flying. That's the drawback to being a career aviator! Speaking of recognition, my boss wants to put an awards package in for me. After all the bad stuff that happened while I was in the desert I am very hesitant to put anything in for myself. After all I am the first SrNCO that deployed with a group of guys and didn't bring all of them back. In my mind I know that I couldn't have done anything about Joey's death but in my heart it really hurts that I couldn't do anything to stop it. All of the 15 engineers deployed relied on me to make sure they returned safely and I failed in this one. I thought I was past all these feelings but when he asked me about the submittal this week it brought back all those feelings of failure that I've been trying to suppress. I'm going to give my boss what he's asking for, even though I don't think it'll go anywhere, but if it does I hope that Windy and Joey understand. I will tell you this that whatever package is submitted for me, there will be no references to Joey or any of the memorial stuff that's happened since. If I do receive an award I sure don't want that tragedy to contribute at all. Hopefully everyone understands.