New Years

Tonight 2007 ends and '08 begins. While I don't have any specific plans for this year I will say I'm looking forward to it. 2007 has had it's share of ups and downs for me; my family, my job and my health have all been areas that have seen the most extreme fluctuations in the past year. Other than my Dad's health which has been in decline for a while now, the biggest upheaval in my family has been the reemergence of my son back into it. I've been estranged from my son for many years now due a decision I'd made a long time ago. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do but as the years passed, deciding to limit contact with my son was something I'd increasingly regretted. Earlier this year I had finally been able to locate him on the internet (a high point) but when I attempted to reestablish a relationship with him he rejected me (a low point). While I understand his animosity towards me and see that it's a huge uphill battle, I'm hoping that in the upcoming year I can make progress in creating some type of relationship with him. As for my job, well here it was more about image that anything else. Earlier in the year I was filling in as the Squadron 1st Sergeant. As the top enlisted member of the squadron I was able to positively affect the career of many of our folks. This is something that I take personal pride in because I feel that unless you recognize the successes of your folks your not really leading them into success. During the year I deployed for four months and experienced some of the most challenging experiences I could ever imagine, some I did well, and some... not so much. The death of Joey during the deployment was tough but we banded together and pushed through it to get the mission done. While this time was a personal low point for me I think professionally it was more a high point. Although I could have handled things better, I kept focus on my guys making sure they dealt with the loss but also understood the importance of completing their mission. I remember taking pride in the fact that we didn't loose any missions due to this event, I think more than anything it was strong leadership from the entire squadron staff that kept that from happening. The low point of the deployment was the second half. It all started with me getting a little too big for my britches and made a few decisions that upset some of the leadership. When they put me in the "penalty box" it didn't set well with me and I started pushing back; its never a good thing when you try to push around your boss. This was some very poor judgment on my part and the repercussions reinforced my dependency into depression. All of it came to a head when the commander said I was a failure as a SrNCO, citing the fact that since I'd been unsuccessful in getting any of my guys recognized with awards I had failed them. While now I totally disagree with him, his comments hurt and made me re-access my entire career. I've since discovered that while my guys didn't get recognized I did gain their respect and admiration and that my ex-commander was totally oblivious to how his people felt towards me. The year ended on a high point though when I was successful in getting some well deserving individuals recognized and promoted. I also was able to secure some highly sought after assignments for a few of my guys so I may have slipped a little I've proven to myself that I am the SrNCO I should be. Some of the problems I had in the desert stemmed from my increasing health problems. Between my knees surgeries and my back problems I'm now always in a constant level pain. The pain varies greatly in intensity but it's always there. I never really understood how pain could be such a debilitating issue for people but now I have a totally different insight on it. I'm trying very hard not to use pain medication at all since I feel this will only cause other dependency issues I think would be worse so we're trying to use physical therapy to help reduce the pain. It seems to be working but the road is tough and frustrating. Pain can cause depression, moodiness, and laziness; all of these areas I noticed an increase in during the past year so hopefully in the upcoming one I can reverse this trend. As soon as I can get the pain under control things will get a lot easier for me. So as you can see I'm looking forward to the upcoming year but I'm sure t will have it's own challenges.

STEP Promotion

Yesterday I got a chance to see the results of some very hard work, one of my NCOs was promoted to the SrNCO ranks via the STEP program. Last year we submitted him, and even though we thought he had a very strong package, he had a huge hole in his career that we couldn't cover up. This year however we was able to complete those items and in fact did a lot more. We in the Air Force use the STEP (Stripes for Exceptional Performers) to recognize those that stand above and beyond and work at levels way above their pay grade. Some time this is used to promote some long in the tooth guy that's had difficulty testing, other times it's used for folks that truly stand-out above the rest. When the program is used for the former, the promotion may be well deserved but it lacks the ability to motivate others. However, when it is used for the later, it not only highlights a star performer but it also highlight all the core values we in the military hold dear; Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do. Twice in my career I have seen people STEP promoted that truly epitomized these values and their promotion fit exactly in-line with the reasons the program was developed. This time with my troop, and when my brother in-law was promoted. In both incidences the individuals stood above the rest doing jobs their peers shy'd away from. Both times theses individuals sought out the hard things not to highlight themselves but because "that's why we wear these stripes". Both times these folks had displays what true and natural leaders they are and in both cases the Air Force responded. Yesterday was Kelly's day but in reality we're all going to benefit.

DNIF update and other stuff

OK, so the physical therapy isn't going so well. They have me in traction 20 minutes a day 3 days a week and each day I feel worse than when I walked in. One of my favorite movies is 12 O'clock High and one of the story lines in the movie is of Gately being a slug but having back problems. As I'm laying there in the machine I'm thinking of General Savage (Gregory Peck) sitting at Gately's bedside trying to comfort him but realizing that maybe he was a little premature on his assessment of him. Well I'm no slug but when I'm laying there I sure feel like one, especially since I feel worse afterwards than when I started. My next appointment is Tuesday so hopefully the weekend off will help the back feel better. I'm not feeling like a slug because of the back pain but I am feeling bad for not being able to fly. Since I've returned from Qatar I've been DNIF and have not flown at all. Granted I have been very busy getting the office in order but I get paid to go out and fly airplanes, and I haven't been able to do that. So no matter how many times I restructure the office, write evaluations, or create a new medal package, I still feel I'm not doing my part since I'm not flying. That's the drawback to being a career aviator! Speaking of recognition, my boss wants to put an awards package in for me. After all the bad stuff that happened while I was in the desert I am very hesitant to put anything in for myself. After all I am the first SrNCO that deployed with a group of guys and didn't bring all of them back. In my mind I know that I couldn't have done anything about Joey's death but in my heart it really hurts that I couldn't do anything to stop it. All of the 15 engineers deployed relied on me to make sure they returned safely and I failed in this one. I thought I was past all these feelings but when he asked me about the submittal this week it brought back all those feelings of failure that I've been trying to suppress. I'm going to give my boss what he's asking for, even though I don't think it'll go anywhere, but if it does I hope that Windy and Joey understand. I will tell you this that whatever package is submitted for me, there will be no references to Joey or any of the memorial stuff that's happened since. If I do receive an award I sure don't want that tragedy to contribute at all. Hopefully everyone understands.

Wanna be Doctors! Yuch

I've been having some back pain recently so my doc recommended for me to see a physical therapist. After doing an MRI he found that I had a couple of bulging disks, remedy... traction. Today was day one of the traction; instead of relief, my pain was so bad I couldn't hardly get up off the table. We'll see how day two goes tomorrow but if it's the same I think I'd prefer a surgeon to fix the problem. Between chiropractors and physical therapists it's a wonder I can still sit up straight.

Anti-War Attitude Explained

I heard a theory the other day that's made me do a lot of thinking about "anti-war". Did you know there's a huge anti-war movement in the United States? Or so the liberal media wants you to think. Yes there are a lot of people and groups out there wanting the war to stop but their on the fringe of society and can be easily rebuked. No, according to the media the majority of Americans are anti-war. What a load of hooey! Yes there's a large displeasure in the current state of the war (or at least the pre-surge era) but most people aren't anti war. Saying that you're anti-war means that you are a pacifist, someone how abhors conflict and feels that peace is the only just course. Do you really think that the majority of Americans are pacifists? I don't think so. America was founded by war, sustained by war, and will continue to proper because of war. To make a general statement that the majority of Americans are anti-war (pacifists) is an insult to me, you, and every person that has fought and died to get us where we are today. I really feel that most Americans feel frustrated with the way the war is going, that's okay. The average Joe has a hard time understanding why we've been at war for over 7 years and have no clear end in sight. We are the most powerful nation in the world but a ragtag bunch of criminals seems to be getting the upper hand. It's a slap in our face and doesn't reflect the strength of the America people want to be a part of. Mr. John Q. Public sees everyday the frustration of the U.S. Military as it's being portrayed by the news and has no other choice but to feel beaten and weak. Nobody likes that so they become, not anti-war, but anti-"getting our butts kicked". News organizations and people with an agenda feed on this attitude by asking vague or leading questions in public opinion poles then twisting the results to fit their point of view. It's a self perpetuating cycle, the more people say they're frustrated the more they hear how frustrated they are but they're words are being twisted so support real anti-war organizations. A perfect example of this is the Code Pink crowd. Expressing dissent based on frustrations does not mean you're anti-war, it just means you don't like how things are going. So stop supporting those that are twisting your words to make this nation seem divided. We must stand together to defeat this enemy, but it's okay to voice your opinion on how we do it. Be careful though, the enemy could be that pollster calling.