Leadership Funk

For those of you that where wondering, I've been in a little bit of a funk the past year. Last June I deployed for 4 months; during that deployment I had to deal with the death of a co-worker which made for some of the worst times in my professional career. While I realize now that the deployment was going poorly from the start, at the time I felt that his death was the catalyst for all the bad karma we experienced. What I've come to realize is that it was poor leadership at all levels, including mine, that let the deployment go sour. While I do put the majority of the blame for all the problems we endured on our commanders shoulders all of us in leadership positions had a hand in the declining moral. Even though we had a bad apple, it took a team to make us all feel like failures. Where I failed was not recognizing where the problem was and therefor was not able to help in fixing the problem. I'm not sure what the solution to that problem was other than time but now if I ever see it happen again I'm going to do my damnedest to stop it. This spring I was able to experience a deployment with a different leadership package. Initially I wasn't supposed to go but at the last minute I had to go to replace someone with personal issues the prevented him from going. I was very concerned about having to go and re-experience all those problems again but I really didn't have a way to "not go". This time however the experience was totally different. First; we didn't have a traumatic loss to deal with so that was one huge issue we didn't have to deal with. Secondly; we had a much more charismatic commander who had the best interest of each of us and the mission in mind. His leadership abilities and skills trickled do to all of us an the lower levels empowering all of us to do our job better. The entire experience for me was a 180 degree difference for me with respect to the previous deployment. I actually came home feeling better than I left and the experience changed my attitude about whether I can continue doing this job. It pulled me out of the funk I was in and has motivated me to stay around a little longer. The moral to all of this is simple; if you are in a leadership position you must be a leader. Don't let your team fail because of outside influences, and no mater what, maintain your strength. I know that we had some huge influences that created our problems but had we all handled them better we could have turned them into positive influences instead of allowing them to be negative results.

Herk Video

Here's a cool video I hope ya'll enjoy.

New Years

Tonight 2007 ends and '08 begins. While I don't have any specific plans for this year I will say I'm looking forward to it. 2007 has had it's share of ups and downs for me; my family, my job and my health have all been areas that have seen the most extreme fluctuations in the past year. Other than my Dad's health which has been in decline for a while now, the biggest upheaval in my family has been the reemergence of my son back into it. I've been estranged from my son for many years now due a decision I'd made a long time ago. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do but as the years passed, deciding to limit contact with my son was something I'd increasingly regretted. Earlier this year I had finally been able to locate him on the internet (a high point) but when I attempted to reestablish a relationship with him he rejected me (a low point). While I understand his animosity towards me and see that it's a huge uphill battle, I'm hoping that in the upcoming year I can make progress in creating some type of relationship with him. As for my job, well here it was more about image that anything else. Earlier in the year I was filling in as the Squadron 1st Sergeant. As the top enlisted member of the squadron I was able to positively affect the career of many of our folks. This is something that I take personal pride in because I feel that unless you recognize the successes of your folks your not really leading them into success. During the year I deployed for four months and experienced some of the most challenging experiences I could ever imagine, some I did well, and some... not so much. The death of Joey during the deployment was tough but we banded together and pushed through it to get the mission done. While this time was a personal low point for me I think professionally it was more a high point. Although I could have handled things better, I kept focus on my guys making sure they dealt with the loss but also understood the importance of completing their mission. I remember taking pride in the fact that we didn't loose any missions due to this event, I think more than anything it was strong leadership from the entire squadron staff that kept that from happening. The low point of the deployment was the second half. It all started with me getting a little too big for my britches and made a few decisions that upset some of the leadership. When they put me in the "penalty box" it didn't set well with me and I started pushing back; its never a good thing when you try to push around your boss. This was some very poor judgment on my part and the repercussions reinforced my dependency into depression. All of it came to a head when the commander said I was a failure as a SrNCO, citing the fact that since I'd been unsuccessful in getting any of my guys recognized with awards I had failed them. While now I totally disagree with him, his comments hurt and made me re-access my entire career. I've since discovered that while my guys didn't get recognized I did gain their respect and admiration and that my ex-commander was totally oblivious to how his people felt towards me. The year ended on a high point though when I was successful in getting some well deserving individuals recognized and promoted. I also was able to secure some highly sought after assignments for a few of my guys so I may have slipped a little I've proven to myself that I am the SrNCO I should be. Some of the problems I had in the desert stemmed from my increasing health problems. Between my knees surgeries and my back problems I'm now always in a constant level pain. The pain varies greatly in intensity but it's always there. I never really understood how pain could be such a debilitating issue for people but now I have a totally different insight on it. I'm trying very hard not to use pain medication at all since I feel this will only cause other dependency issues I think would be worse so we're trying to use physical therapy to help reduce the pain. It seems to be working but the road is tough and frustrating. Pain can cause depression, moodiness, and laziness; all of these areas I noticed an increase in during the past year so hopefully in the upcoming one I can reverse this trend. As soon as I can get the pain under control things will get a lot easier for me. So as you can see I'm looking forward to the upcoming year but I'm sure t will have it's own challenges.

STEP Promotion

Yesterday I got a chance to see the results of some very hard work, one of my NCOs was promoted to the SrNCO ranks via the STEP program. Last year we submitted him, and even though we thought he had a very strong package, he had a huge hole in his career that we couldn't cover up. This year however we was able to complete those items and in fact did a lot more. We in the Air Force use the STEP (Stripes for Exceptional Performers) to recognize those that stand above and beyond and work at levels way above their pay grade. Some time this is used to promote some long in the tooth guy that's had difficulty testing, other times it's used for folks that truly stand-out above the rest. When the program is used for the former, the promotion may be well deserved but it lacks the ability to motivate others. However, when it is used for the later, it not only highlights a star performer but it also highlight all the core values we in the military hold dear; Integrity first, Service before self, and Excellence in all we do. Twice in my career I have seen people STEP promoted that truly epitomized these values and their promotion fit exactly in-line with the reasons the program was developed. This time with my troop, and when my brother in-law was promoted. In both incidences the individuals stood above the rest doing jobs their peers shy'd away from. Both times theses individuals sought out the hard things not to highlight themselves but because "that's why we wear these stripes". Both times these folks had displays what true and natural leaders they are and in both cases the Air Force responded. Yesterday was Kelly's day but in reality we're all going to benefit.

DNIF update and other stuff

OK, so the physical therapy isn't going so well. They have me in traction 20 minutes a day 3 days a week and each day I feel worse than when I walked in. One of my favorite movies is 12 O'clock High and one of the story lines in the movie is of Gately being a slug but having back problems. As I'm laying there in the machine I'm thinking of General Savage (Gregory Peck) sitting at Gately's bedside trying to comfort him but realizing that maybe he was a little premature on his assessment of him. Well I'm no slug but when I'm laying there I sure feel like one, especially since I feel worse afterwards than when I started. My next appointment is Tuesday so hopefully the weekend off will help the back feel better. I'm not feeling like a slug because of the back pain but I am feeling bad for not being able to fly. Since I've returned from Qatar I've been DNIF and have not flown at all. Granted I have been very busy getting the office in order but I get paid to go out and fly airplanes, and I haven't been able to do that. So no matter how many times I restructure the office, write evaluations, or create a new medal package, I still feel I'm not doing my part since I'm not flying. That's the drawback to being a career aviator! Speaking of recognition, my boss wants to put an awards package in for me. After all the bad stuff that happened while I was in the desert I am very hesitant to put anything in for myself. After all I am the first SrNCO that deployed with a group of guys and didn't bring all of them back. In my mind I know that I couldn't have done anything about Joey's death but in my heart it really hurts that I couldn't do anything to stop it. All of the 15 engineers deployed relied on me to make sure they returned safely and I failed in this one. I thought I was past all these feelings but when he asked me about the submittal this week it brought back all those feelings of failure that I've been trying to suppress. I'm going to give my boss what he's asking for, even though I don't think it'll go anywhere, but if it does I hope that Windy and Joey understand. I will tell you this that whatever package is submitted for me, there will be no references to Joey or any of the memorial stuff that's happened since. If I do receive an award I sure don't want that tragedy to contribute at all. Hopefully everyone understands.

Defendor of the Idiot

I watched a video yesterday that was extremely disturbing. It was titled "The Most Hated Family in the Country" and was about the church group that’s going around the country protesting at military funerals. I have to say based on the reactions of the people driving by they’re definitely in the minority but that’s not what this entry is about. Yes I can sit here and tell you how bad it makes me feel, or how angry I get when I see that type of thing, but that's expected. No, what I would like to talk about is my pride in these idiots being able to do what they where doing. You see, this exceedingly misguided group is allowed to do these despicable things because of the very people they're protesting. It’s kind of ironic if you think about it; if these folks where actually to succeed in what they’re preaching they couldn’t protest. It’s like people protesting farmers because they kill the plants during the harvest, but without the farmer the protesters would starve. We that are in the military are dedicated professionals here defending the freedom that allows people to protest the very thing we do. Please understand that I, in no way, condone the tripe these idiots are spewing; they are probably the most misguided cult I have ever seen. With our luck they’ll go the way of the Jim Jones “kool-ade” cult or those idiots that thought the comet was coming to take them away. No, these people are terrible, but what I am saying is that I will continue defending they’re right to be the ignorant stooges they are.

Originally posted @ MySpace as "Shirt Love"

Well I had the pleasure of spreading a little "Shirt Love" tonight. My base decided to stop everyone coming in the gate for two hours and perform urinalisys testing onthem. You know on a Saturday night most people coming through the gate between 0000 and 0200 had been out drinking? Nothing is more fun than pissing off a bunch of drunk people!